Thoughts about My Boner

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(source)

This is a guest post from a friend that often visits the Superfox Flat and in response to this article.

***Trigger warning*** Please be careful with this article.

I guess girls will never understand how HARD boys have it.

Frankly, when that little attention seeking mini-me wants to defy gravity, it defies it. No pissing around…it defies gravity. There is nothing you can do about it but to hope like shit that your boss doesn’t call you over from his desk, as standing up in such circumstances requires a high-risk radar and manoeuvring to hide that gravity defying mini-me.

Forgive the crassness – I’m trying to get your attention to that region, platonically and intellectually. And no, this isn’t a research essay on the ‘average size’ based racial categories either… It’s about my boner and thoughts of sexual assault.

I came across a news article this morning, reporting on the Indonesian Religious Affairs minister announcement that mini skirts are indeed pornographic.

“There have been a lot of rape cases and other immoral acts recently and this is because women aren’t wearing appropriate clothes”.

“You know what men are like. Provocative clothing will make them do things”

I really haven’t had much experience with Indonesian culture. So (although disturbed) I put these comments aside as ‘their problem’. As the predominant religion in Indonesia is Muslim, I also had a convenient excuse to distance myself from ‘them’, those crazy fundamental Muslims.

I thought about this article more today, and began to ponder – are these concepts, this way of thinking THAT foreign to New Zealand society?

After thinking about Slutwalk 2011 and my experiences with it, I’ve realised it is not at all a foreign concept to us at all.

“Girls’ clothing doesn’t just come with a price tag, but also with an invitations for rapists. The sluttier her outfit is, the more effective her invitation is in attracting the rapists”…

Believe it or not, this is real life discourse. This is how some people in our society (through the wonders of facebook) view survivors of rape or sexual assault.

I felt like I was hitting a wall, a great wall of ignorance The words “for fuck sake” never felt so appropriate.

As I got involved more and more in these discussions on the Slutwalk Aotearoa facebook, I started noticing that there was a very little attention paid to the role of men. It was bizarre – this discourse of victim blaming was shifting the responsibility from the rapist to the victim. It was so forceful in doing so, that it created this bizarre other universe where the person who commits sexual assault is just a guy who really didn’t have the choice….

That was that moment for me, that light bulb moment.

That great wall of ignorance that I keep hitting was a boner.

The thing is…no pun intended, but in a nutshell, IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S YOUR BONER. It gets fucks with your head enough and makes you do these awful things.

Sadly, I think this is the thesis of the social discourse surrounding victim blaming.

My boner fucks me off a lot of times with his selfish attention seeking antics. I am a guy, a son, a brother, a friend (and a shit driver) and who gets a boner from time to time but this doesn’t make me a rapist. Her thigh and breasts/his thighs and pecs, do not carry around invitations for me to rape.

Victim blaming strips victims’ dignity, rights and potential.

Victim blaming leads people to think that rape happens only to those who make themselves vulnerable.

Victim blaming misinforms by making rape about the fulfilment of sexual urges.

Not only that, but also it reduces men down to nothing but potential rapists.

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About Polly

Polly is a filipina feminist who spends the majority of her time in the community, advocating for migrants and tauiwi women and for those who have survived sexual and domestic violence. She believes firmly that there is no place in this world for slut shaming, rape culture, systemic inequality or generally being a shithead. Professionally she works in community development, policy, funding, project management and lobbying but personally she has a fond appreciation for cats, swears, beautiful food, red wine and bad dates.

2 thoughts on “Thoughts about My Boner

  1. So well written and great to hear a man with a bit of common sense when it comes to the topic of slut shaming and victim blaming. I also spent a lot of time on the Slutwalk Aotearoa facebook page leading up to Wellington’s slutwalk and it was a depressing state of affairs to learn the beliefs of men (and many women) out there about the motivations of rapists. For someone to believe that every man has it within his nature to be a rapist and all it takes is for a woman to show a bit of skin to turn that potential into action is unbelievable to me. Keep up the good work on turning those beliefs around.

  2. Thanks bex 😉 yeah I really wanted to talk about victim blaming based on the theme of man. It really did come out strongly. Unfoprtuntely, though, by taking a boner perspective, I had to drop a lot of other themes of victim blaming. But I’m sure slutwalk issues will be brought up again for 2012 edition of the walk, which unlike last year, I will participate!!

    I should have a boner sign lol

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